the happy marshmallow

a blog about life, happiness and the pursuit of marshmallows :)

The Chicken Whisperer

Happy One Month to the Happy Marshmallow! If you are a highly perceptive person you will note that there were 31 days in May and only like six posts here, meaning that I guess I haven’t been as devoted to the blog as I originally planned to be. It is just really difficult to find the time when you’re so totally busy and popular, am I right? Seriously, let me know because I can’t say that either of those are reasons behind my lack of posting.

If I were asked to pinpoint a reason, I’d have to say it is due to my acute depression over the realization that I’m far from becoming the next great Chicken Whisperer. It’s always disheartening when you have to cross off another life goal from your list but I imagine that one of the first qualifications to obtaining this honor is getting chickens to not only obey your commands but actually like you.  This past weekend, while house/animal sitting for my parents, I found that I have no gift with either of those things.   I mean, my dad makes feeding his chickens and putting them in for the night sound so easy that I wasn’t concerned about doing it myself…yeah, I’m sure you can assume at this point how the experience went.

Original photo source: http://psa-newmember.org/

First off, I thought my dad had maybe five chickens but the count seems to be closer to 52. This meant that even IF they didn’t hate me, getting them into the coop and shutting the door took about 60 minutes and twelve texts/calls to my brother asking for advice, a gigantic scoop of their food, a bucket of grass (yumm), a bloody toe (I guess they thought it was chicken feed, totally see the resemblance) and full-blown tears  groveling.  I almost decided to call it quits and let them fend for themselves overnight but at the last minute they all kind of shared a knowing look and casually walked into the coop on their own accord. I am pretty sure I saw a couple of them high-winging each other which was rude and uncalled for but at that point I was beyond calling them out.

Long story short:

Original photo source: http://www.trumpedimaging.com/

In happier news (and because it wouldn’t be a blog post from me if I didn’t mention the show) our favorite bachelorette has been making some real headway these past two weeks in finding her Flavor of the Week True Love.  I mean, these guys have really been put through the ringer lately…getting interviewed by Emily’s BFFs, being forced to play with random children on a playground, scaling buildings, dancing in public, sailing boats in the middle of a wind storm…we have truly started separating the men from the boys.  The guys have also started separating themselves into groups of Younger than 30 vs. Older than 30, with the latter claiming they are far more mature and wise than everyone else.  Hey, I get this–I definitely think I’ve grown up a lot in the last five or so years buttttt I also think it’s hard to compare maturity levels and base it solely off of age.  Life changing experiences can hit you at any point so generalization on this matter just doesn’t work. Maybe we will be able to leave this one up to actions vs. words?

The only real mystery at this point for me is why Emily is still keeping some of them around after stuff they’ve been saying/doing/not saying or doing.  Like Kalon (“I love it when you speak but I wish you’d let me finish”), Alejandro (he’s spoken on camera a total of five times), and the egg guy (I don’t even remember his name?).  I have no idea why people are so negative towards Ryan though! Don’t most girls love being referred to as a trophy wife or told they must never gain weight in a relationship?? The only shock involving him at this point is how he is still single; good thing he informed us of his plans to be the next Bachelor when things don’t work out with Emily. The line starts to the left, ladies!

Original photo source: abc.com

In any case, it’s nice to have all of this relationship turmoil balanced out by the Miley Cyrus love story: nineteen years old and just got engaged to her on and off celebrity boyfriend of three-ish years. 

Talk to you guys later–I need to go bang my head against the wall now.

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Movin’ up, slowin’ down

Pittsburgh is really moving up in the world.  Not only did a section of one of our highways (the corridor of Parkway West between Green Tree and the Fort Pitt Tunnel) make number 11 (or number 9? the review states both…we’ll just say we’re 10th) on the prestigous Most Congested Sections of Road in the US list, but it was also announced this week that the Biebs himself will be giving a concert here in late November.  Unfortunately, as much as I love watching teenage boys slouch around in saggy jeans while singing about lonely girls and how they are totally perfect boyfriend material at the age of 18, I think I will probably be too busy washing my hair that night to go. 

I am pretty excited about the Congested Road honor though–we are truly the City of Champions, even when it comes to horrendous traffic.  In even better news, we should be able to hold on to this honor (if not move up on the list) for years to come, as according to PennDOT there is no solution in the works.  The only thing they have on deck is bridge repair and replacing the shoulders. So basically, creating even more traffic build up which sounds like a great plan to me. We are already apparently losing 36 hours a year to traffic, let’s see if we can make it an even 40.

In less exciting news, our favorite Bachelorette, Emily Maynard, continued her quest for a drama filled fling Everlasting Love on Monday night’s episode with a cookie baking date, a visit to the Greenbriar resort in WV, and a charity showcase with the Muppets.  I really don’t have a whole lot to say about all of this except that I’m really starting to scratch my head over her choices. 

[original pic from: http://www.tvfoodanddrink.com]

The guys must be different in person than what we get to see on TV because I honestly couldn’t see much of a difference between the way Ryan and Joe acted on their respective dates, yet she was all twee! with Ryan and with Joe it was like, hm, sorry, yeah, not feeling this at all after about five minutes.  And of course we can’t forget the fact that she is enamoured with Jef, a guy who has seemed completely detached from the entire process so far, has the worst hair ever and wears tighter jeans than Emily does.  Pretty sure she specifically mentioned in a tabloid interview that she would never marry a guy she could share jeans with, but I guess we all make some changes when it comes to love.  Highlight of the episode was hands down Ryan giving her 98 page letter that he made her read aloud during the cocktail party.  You have to give mad props to a man who can not only think of enough things to say to fill a 98 page letter, but for being able to do so after only spending approximately 5 hours with the person.  Either he decided to share his life story or he pulled a couple chapters from a Jane Austen novel. 

[original pic from: www.tvfoodanddrink.com]

In any case, here’s hoping the drama starts to kick in next week because right now we are in dire need of something more exciting than Love Clocks and guys telling each other to check themselves before they wreck themselves.  The previews promised us plenty of fights and emotional breakdowns but so far I’ve seen more of that from the guys in the cars around me during rush hour.  That’s probably an unfair comparision though, since we do produce award winning traffic jams after all.

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A Grain Merchant, a Mushroom Farmer and a Luxury Brand Consultant walk into a mansion…

…that may sound like the makings of a lame joke but it’s actually what happened just a couple of nights ago on the season opener of the Bachelorette! Please forgive me–I have many faults and my need to watch every season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette is one of my worst.  I am fully aware that out of 97 seasons they are yet to produce more than one happily married couple (Jason and Molly do not count! He didn’t pick her first!) and it’s pretty clear at this point that people go on the show with their #1 desire being to get famous, not married, but it’s still a guilty pleasure that I’m not quite ready to give up.

Well, ok, Bachelor Ben was so horrific this past winter that I actually thought about not watching any more seasons, butttttt I like this bachelorette, Emily, and once I saw a preview of the guys who were going to be on this season…totally hooked. And can you really blame me? There is so much win among her suitors that if there was an Olympic event for studly single men they would not only all make the team but go on to win the gold.

The first thing I noticed in their profiles on the official show site was that besides asking the guys really important character-evaluating questions like “Do you prefer hot spot type clubs or low key bars?” and “Who is your favorite actor and why?” they also provided us with a Tattoo Count for each individual.  This is absolutely the number one thing I take into consideration when seeking a mate so I could not be more grateful that they included this.

Some other thoughts I had while reading over the bios:

*Did they really select a Brazilian Grain Merchant named Alessandro and a Columbian Mushroom Farmer named Alejandro? This will not be confusing for Emily and the viewers at all.

*Charlie’s perfect idea of happiness is “every dog fed and every child with a roof over his head.” No love for the cats, I guess.

*I’m bringing Doug with me on any wilderness adventures. The three items he’d bring if stranded on an island are salt water to fresh water kit, a fishing pole with appropriate lures and a flare gun with lots of flares.  I am definitely the person that says like, peanut butter and matches so I think I could benefit from his foresight.

*Kalon prefers team sports to individual because “I like being the best on a team and having the pressure of people relying on me.” Gotta love that kind of blatant conceit confidence in a man.  Note that a beat later he says his ideal mate would be “overwhelming” so as to take the pressure off of him. Being awesome 24/7 must be a real trial so hopefully he finds a woman that will allow him to be a mere mortal every so often.

*Poor Randy hates it when a date doesn’t get his jokes. Clearly trying to be funnier is out of the question.

*And Michael, the Rehab Consultant, gets major points for wanting to be like to be Ryan Gosling for a day because Ryan is young and talented and is making something of his life.  He didn’t mention “and is also incredibly good looking” but I suppose that is one of those things that goes without saying.

Seeing the men on TV was all the more magical and some of them really brought their “A” game…one guy made bobble heads of himself and Emily (not creepy at ALL), one guy dressed in old lady drag (every woman’s weakness), another brought a letter that he dictated to his son wrote, and we even had someone bring an ostrich egg in to represent his devotion to Emily and her daughter (I don’t get it either).  We also had Jef ride in on a skateboard while holding on to the back of a car which is really dangerous and not the kind of guy I’d want hanging out with and influencing my five year old child but Emily thought he was “super cool” and she is every man’s dream girl so feel free to ignore my opinions.

Before you accuse me of being impossible to please, please note that I do actually have a few guys that I found likable and not entirely creepy and weird:

*Ryan from GA was way too cute with his note that he held up for her during his introduction that said “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL” on one side and something like “I’M SO NERVOUS” on the other.  I can’t believe someone on this series actually did something that would impress me! Ryan is also a personal trainer which I can get behind, though I’m not sure how I feel about teaching 8 year olds to flip tires.

*Tony the single dad from OR has a soul patch which is really unfortunate but otherwise I find his cheesy humor endearing and actually thought his Prince Charming getup for his intro was cute (shut up!).

*Nate from AZ because he is an accountant (that always comes in handy) and let’s be shallow, really, really attractive.  He hasn’t done anything to stand out in any way so he’ll probably end up being a tool bag but so far, so good.

*Arie the race car driver and Sean from Dallas are also at the top of my list right now because they were COMPLETELY NORMAL the first night.  No helicopter entrances, no weird props or costumes, no horrible pick up lines (i.e. “I’m a biology teacher but I’m here to make chemistry with YOU!”)…sometimes just being a played down version of yourself is best. Who knew??

This is turning into a book and I’m tired, so suffice to say, I am actually excited about this season! Just because Emily is nice I don’t think she’ll be boring and even if she is a little bit, there are enough weirdos in attendance to keep things interesting. From the season previews it looks like we get some solid man fights and definitely more than one dude dissolving into tears.  If that doesn’t scream must-watch to you then I don’t know what to say except you must have better taste in TV programming than this girl.

*Pictures from www.buddytv.com

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Apologies and the Worst Food in the World

I’m sure all four of my readers have been at the edge of their respective seats these past couple of days, waiting for another post from me, so I do apologize for the massive disappoint I’ve brought about with just two winners this week.  Work the past few days has been particularly rough and after getting home from there and the gym all I want to do is eat and be lazy and use as little brain power as possible.  So sorry, so lame.

Anyhoo, in light of a new season of the Bachelorette starting on Monday (YES), I do plan on posting soon my top five-ish bachelors gunning for fame Emily’s heart.  There are so many amazing options this season it is going to be rough to narrow it down but I do have a few favorites.  I want to pay that post proper justice though and that is just not going to happen tonight at 11:30 PM on a Thursday.

Therefore, tonight I leave you with a mini PSA:  In a nutshell, if something looks too good to be true, it probably is.  I know, new concept there–I advise you all to tuck that little gem away.  Case in point, a week or so ago I was in the peanut butter section in hell at the Wal-Mart in Center, trying to talk myself out of buying Nutella, when my gaze fell on THIS:

Image

Yes, you read that right.  A fat free, calorie free, sugar free, whipped peanut spread.  I honestly did debate a few minutes on whether it was worth the $3 to give it a shot, but it was just too tempting and I am so, so weak at 9 PM on a weeknight after the gym when STARVING.  It also had this big thing on the back about being “guaranteed” by the company so I figured that just had to be a good sign. Who offers a money back guarantee for something that they know sucks? I mean, you do not see me promising refunds for my car detailing services.

Spoiler alert: Massive judgment fail. It happens.

Soooo I threw the whipped peanut spread into the cart and thought about it the whole drive back to my apartment…I actually almost opened it up at one of the intersections, I was just that curious.  Thank the Lord for short red lights and the conviction to keep both hands on the wheel because I would have surely wrecked if I’d ended up giving this a taste test while driving.

Friends, I don’t really have words for how horrible this stuff is. I mean…think of one of the worst tastes you’ve ever experienced and multiply it by about 1000.  My older brother tried a little bit of it too and he actually had to rinse his mouth out, brush his teeth and gargle.  If I recall correctly, I believe he described it as “looks, tastes and has the consistency of baby poop.”  I would have to agree with that analysis and wish there was a way to add it on to the jar description.

I almost chucked it in the trash right then and there but being the mature adults that we are, we actually decided to keep it around for  pranking unsuspecting guests.

Which reminds me…I’m having a dinner party next weekend and I think you should totally come.

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That’s a new one…

Whilst shopping for birthday cards a couple of weeks ago, I came across a genre that took me by surprise. Maybe I’ve been living under a rock but I wasn’t aware we actually had an entire section for this:

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Troubled Relationship? Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like if you are suffering from this you should maybe go a more heartfelt route…like a personal letter or maybe even a face to face conversation? I suppose it all comes down to different strokes for different folks but this still rubs me weird.  Like, if you are in a bad relationship and your first thought is to buy a generic card with some sappy poem inside (“Our love made me glad, but now it’s so sad…You’ve turned into a grouch, I don’t sleep well on the couch….”) maybe there is a reason your relationship is not sunshine and rainbows. Too harsh??

In any case, it makes me wonder what they’ll start creating next.

“Let’s Get a Puppy.” “We Need to Fix Your Sleep Apnea.” “I’m Afraid of Heights.”

I mean, clearly there is a market for just about anything these days.

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First Date

Confession: I’ve had the basic template of this blog set for about four months now but have put off writing actual entries because the thought of coming up with a first post is just so overwhelming. It kind of feels like a first date, where you are excited/nervous and have a ton of things to talk about since it’s your first time hanging out, but you know you can’t talk about anything and everything yet in fear of scaring them away with your weird life stories and annoying laugh….uh, I mean, in fear of intimidating them with your amazing personality, hilarious jokes and model looks.  So instead of getting caught up in some dramatic introductory post, I have created an About page, which should provide more than enough background as to why I’m blogging and what this blog will be about (which, in a couple words, is “nothing specific”).

Speaking of awesome, I feel like I should win some kind of award for being just that this weekend.  In a complete act of selflessness and love for my fellow runners, I bowed out of running the half marathon in Pittsburgh today.  What this means is that not only did this allow Fatuma Sado of Ethiopia to take the half marathon crown, but for the first time since the race returned to Pittsburgh in 2009, it DID NOT RAIN.  ’09, ’10 and ’11 were all absolutely miserable…cold and wet (it poured in 2010)…so I figured that by not signing up this year, the weather would cooperate. And it did. Same for the Kentucky Derby! I was all set to jockey per usual yesterday and once I dropped out the skies cleared and it was great weather for a horse race.  So you are welcome, everyone! Monetary awards are preferred but I would take a crown at this point too.

There was one letdown though this weekend and that was the moon. For like a week they’ve been going on about Super Moon showing up on May 5th.  Maybe I’ve seen the Lion King too many times but I was totally expecting to go outside last night and see something like this:

[http://www.scenicreflections.com/download/396045/Big_moon_Wallpaper/]

And instead went outside and saw this:

Almost identical, right? I checked again a few hours later and it was pretty much the same, just higher in the sky.  Good thing I didn’t follow through on my plan to rent a boyfriend for a couple of hours, to have someone to share the experience with.

Speaking of renting people, did you know that you seriously can rent someone to be your friend??? You can hire someone to do everything from teach you a new hobby, attend a social event with you, or  even just be a ‘phone friend.’ I always thought that this kind of thing went under a completely different title…however, it is apparently not only legal but growing in popularity! According to the site, they are currently over 400,000 members and growing all the time. While the starting price of $10/hr is oh so tempting, a quick glance through the gallery of people currently available for rent did give me some pause.  I think I’d like to double check the local sex offender site and the Mugshot Monday report first, before putting in any requests.  I also have some pressing questions that would need answered…for one, what happens if you become BFF with a person you rent out a couple times? When do you get to the point of asking them to hang out with you for free? I feel like that could be an awkward conversation.  Interesting find though, to be sure.

And you know, depending on how my knee feels in the near future, I may decide to hire someone to carry me around, or maybe sit there and do nothing but yell at me every time I try to sneak out for a run…that would probably be more conducive to the healing process.  I just can’t believe it’s been over three weeks and my IT band isn’t back to normal! Must be all the icing, resting and stretching I haven’t been doing.  I was giving the “keep doing what you’re doing and maybe it’ll miraculously heal overnight” program a shot but gosh golly, I think it’s a scam. That’s what I get for watching infomercials at night.

Wow, just realized I’ve been working on this for like an hour…who would have guessed that even writing pointless blog entries takes a lot of time! I may have to rethink this hobby. I’d hate to have less time available in my busy schedule for watching reruns of Kendra and trying to figure out Pinterest.

I will leave you for now with one more highlight of my weekend, a sweet new outfit I found at Target, AKA the store that makes dreams come true:

Yes, friends. Your eyes do not deceive you. That is indeed a Hello Kitty romper! (Or for any males out there, I believe you like to refer to them as “those things that babies usually wear.”) I was absolutely shocked…SHOCKED…that they still had several left in my size.  Priced at a little less than $20 I was totally ready to purchase this beauty but ultimately decided I am not prepared to deal with the jealous reactions that wearing it would surely bring about.

I think I will need to rent a body builder first for protection. Good thing there is a site for that.

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